Saturday, February 02, 2013

My daughter and her partner would love to have a child.  KT discovered after many tests that she had a less than 1% chance of success of getting pregnant through artificial insemination or IVF due to the chemo she endured.  G is somewhat iffy about the whole pregnancy thing so they may decide their best option is adoption.  They're attending some info sessions to get a perspective on what the challenges they will face adopting being a lesbian couple with one partner with a history of cancer.  But they are also reviewing prospective parent profiles to see how people describe themselves to the birth mothers in their attempt to win the adoption lottery.   After reading some of them (who am I kidding, I read a LOT of them), most of them blend into white bread soup of 1) we really respect your decision, 2) we really want a child 3) we really think that we will be good parents and provide a great extended family experience, and 3) we live in a nice home in the suburbs with a yard and good schools.  You could pick any one of these people and not make a mistake that you could forsee.  So how would my letter read?

Dear Birth Mother,
I'm the potential grandmother of your child.  I did my very best with my two children and will always do my very best for your child, too.  I will provide love, direction, care, discipline, laughs, hugs, and lots of hand-knit sweaters and hats, and trips to the beach.

I realize that things don't always turn out the way we want them to or expect them to.  I imagine that is true in your case but I promise to support our child even when they make bad decisions and I will always love them, even when I'm mad or discouraged or disappointed in them.  Because that is what grandmothers do.  And I hope that your family is supporting your decision to allow your baby to be adopted. 

And I'd like to tell you that my daughters may not have a fancy house in the suburbs, or take European vacations, or even vacuum enough to please me, but they have love that is overflowing, and passion, and they will be the best mothers around, teaching their child about  love, and joy, and respect, and tolerance, and inclusion, and soccer, and basketball, and piano, and guitar, and there will be crazy poopy talk at the dinner table so that everyone rolls their eyes and laughs.  Because that is what families do. 

Please help them complete their family.

Sincerely,
The Grandmother

3 comments:

ellen kirkendall said...

I wish them luck on their journey. It's no small advantage to have an involved grandmother. Child rearing provides plenty of work to go around.

Hattie said...

I have four grandkids and hardly deserve them. You sound as if you would be exemplary.

naomi dagen bloom said...

THink you have added something very important to this daunting process. Why not have a letter(s) from grandparents as reassurance that this is an all-around accepting, nurturing family your child will enter.